Coffee, Mugs, and Strips of Light

Just a few word’s and explorations of my thoughts out on the interwebs.

You know what I miss?

Anonymity.

And I don’t mean true anonymity, like the kind you use hiding behind a username online, but the anonymity of life outside of a small town. Don’t get me wrong, there are truly amazing perks of living in a small town — especially at the present moment in time — but there’s a lack of comfort in what you can say and talk about when in public when in a community where word and gossip spreads faster than COVID-19.

When living in a place where you have roots and require a public reputation and image, there are freedoms of speech and action that are restricted. It’s a biproduct of the individual culture’s established in small towns that is both beneficial for the town’s structure and image itself, but is ultimately a very poor reflection of reality and an unhealthy restraint on life.

I’ve been stuck in a loop of looking forwards and backwards since Summer started. I’ve been buried in my thoughts, actions, and regrets rather than embracing the unknown and imaging the possibilities of the future.

It’s something I’ve never struggled with before as I had a bit of a life motto around looking forward and not having second thoughts. Learn from the past, don’t be consumed by it. Meanwhile, prepare for the future, don’t fear it. I have lost sight of that and am struggling to retain it, but I’m not relenting on my pursuit of that core concept — that’s kind of what this whole thing is for, my theory is that writing has always been cathartic for me and it allows me to peer into myself in a much healthier way than being trapped in my own head.

Anyways, I’m gonna try and tie what I’ve written so far into the actual idea I’m trying to get through. I’ve been looking back and reflecting on my routine and how drastically different in just about every way it will be changing, but I cannot lie in saying the change is exciting in the best way possible. I believe it to be a much healthier routine that is going to actually push me in the ways I need to be pushed.

My reasoning is that I have anonymity and a freedom that I have lacked. It sounds like a movie trope, but this really feels like the small town kid moving away to a big city to start life anew and pave a path however they want from scratch. It’s naively optimistic probably, but why not try out something new?

In other news, I am thinking of retiring from pickups hoops. It’s a sad reality, but my knees and ankles are feeling quite shot. It’s a sad reality, but hey I was never that good anyways — I started cracking up laughing when I thought about writing that last bit so I had to write it and keep it. I think I’ll get through the lack of hoops thanks to the return of the NBA.

I have spoken to my friends about how not being able to go to the theatres to watch any films has really impacted my mental health in a negative way, but the lack of NBA definitely contributed as well. My year is almost structured around the NBA I’m that much of a hoops head. I’m not in hoops head form though, I need to get back into podcast, pieces, film, and stats consumption.

I don’t know how many people know this, but I seriously want to be apart of an NBA front office or scouting department at some point. I have some unrealistic ideas in my life sometimes, but I don’t think my belief in my understanding of basketball is unrealistic. Sports journalism is amazing and a necessary part of the NBA system, but the older I get the more I realize I think in the mindset of a team, not a journalist.

I can see the development plan for players in ways I don’t think many other people visualize or understand — I feel like this comes off as egotistical or narcissistic, but I don’t mean it that way at all. I can see where a player fits into a structure or the role they could occupy to best fit their strengths. The potential of players and the key weaknesses, they truly need to fix to unlock their entire game. I’ve spent a lot of time listening to people who I’d consider the sharpest minds around to try and understand WHY they make the decisions they do and WHAT was their goal, not just whether I think it’s good or not.

This section is probably going to be utter nonsense for a lot of people, but it feels really good to write it out for selfish reasons. Anyways, I think that’s it, I’m not going to edit this or really try and make it too structured. I’ll probably go back and re-read it tomorrow after I write again.